Monday, December 28, 2009

Holiday Diet test & New Year's Resolutions

Reflection during the holidays is normal and increasingly intense as we approach the New Year. Personally, resolutions always seemed like silly, desperate moves and I usually witness their sequels: Valentine chocolate box frenzy, St. Patrick's Day drunken stupor or, the not so common, President's Day pie eating binge.

So how bad did we eat and what recovery would be needed to "diet" after this two-week buffet we call "holiday"

Eggnog: 150mg cholesterol, 20gm of fat and 35 carbs will usually kill you. In fact, I'm surprised there is NOT a black warning label on every eggnog carton.

If you've consumed more than one cup, one year likely has come off of your life expectancy.

Some may tell you that eggnog is only popular during Christmas and New Year's, but I will contend that eggnog consumption year round will likely be the first round of population control efforts.

You've been warned.

Gravy: Please re-read the aforementioned warnings and then pour it on everything! Be mindful of the old Looney Tunes cartoon with the dog that kept repeating: "Don't forget the gravy!"

They were obviously onto something.

Pie: Personally pies should have their own food group. In fact, this is a site (here) that lists a pie for every week of the year. If anyone feels so bold to embark on the endeavor, just remember where you got the idea and save me a small slice.

Apple, Pumpkin, Cherry, Lemon, Pumpkin, Pecan, Peach and Pumpkin - I might have to take a break now that I'm thinking about pie.

Fruitcake: I'll quote a comedian named Jim Gaffigan:

"Fruit good....cake great...fruitcake...nasty crap."

Ok, not always. But if you've been downing slices of fruitcake, it's very likely you're paying the price by the NCAA Bowl games start.

Christmas Cookies: Even the worst chefs in our midst can produce the most edible and tasty cookies at Christmas.

I'll personally confess I'm a two-handed cookie eater. Cooke Monster should in fact be incorporated into the Holiday marketing as an icon.

Carrots, Sugar-Free anything, skim milk mashed potatoes: What's wrong with these people?


Here's my advice: drown those taters in the gravy, use the carrots as dividers to keep the corn from rolling into your cranberry sauce and just dip those healthy sugar-free items into either ranch or chocolate.

So let's stop pretending that we'll diet. Let's have a new agreement: We're going to stop eating this crap between the hours of 12:16am and 1:37am except on days that end in "Y" and the entire month of July is free game.

In fact, the month of July will now be "Cheesecake Month" and I will pledge to avoid ALL of the above items for a daily slice of cheesecake.

Now that's a New Year's Resolution.

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